A couple of letters to my daughter

[lef0304]

Dearest Baby Girl,
I pray this letter finds you safe in your world. First, I wanted to tell you that the boys are doing good. They ask about you, and I tell them I don't know where momma is. Which is the truth. I have no ideal where you are or how you are doing. I wanted you to know that I will do whatever it takes to keep them safe and happy. Baby girl if you remember rightly I did not steal your kids, you left them. You walked out that door and said you'd be back later, but who knew then that later would be days and sometimes months. Who knew that you would come and go like a revolving door and always expect things to be the same as when you left.
Life does not stop when you leave here. There is the daily living to be done. Your oldest still has to go to school, and the little one still needs someone with him. They still need love and cuddles daily. There is still dishes and clothes to wash, beds to make, floors to sweep and/or vacuum, bathes to take, and dinner to fix. We also have to take time to play, laugh and grow. There are doctor and dentist appointments. See life does not stop simply because you choose not to be here. I hear through the grapevine that you tell people my mom took my kids. That is so not the truth, but then do you even know what the truth is. You walked at that door, and did not look back.
I do feel sorry for you, you are missing important things in your children's life's. Our oldest is excelling in math, who would have guessed. And the little one is becoming such an independent little man. He can dress himself and is potty training. See if you think about it, I did not steal them, all I did was step in and fill the gap left by you, when you walked out the door.
I must tell you to prepare yourself for a fight, because Now honey I intend to "steal" your kids. I intent to make sure that from now on these boys will be as safe and protected as I can give them. I will make sure that you can not in a drug induced stupor just pop in and say they are mine and I'm taking them. You will prove to me, to them and to a judge that you will never again put anything in front of them. Their health and well being have always been my priority. Now you will prove it is yours too.
I also wanted to thank you for this glorious opportunity to be a part of their life's. It is something new every day, as they explore and learn about the world in which we live. I pray that they are having positive experiences and that circumstances don't hinder them. As I close for now, I just want you know again that I did not steal your boys, you left them here. Know, that I will continue to pray that one day you turn your life around, but until then, I have 2 precious little people to care for and look after.
Love you.
mom


Another Baby girl letter.

Dear baby girl,
It has been a while since I wrote directly too you, even though I do not know where you are and know this letter will never reach you.
Again you are out there doing your thing,
I thank God daily that these precious children do not have to wait on you to have a life. It is funny to me that you take off when you want, do as you please, pop through once in a blue moon and you expect life to be normal. Like life stops when you leave. You can not put life on hold, put it down and pick it up at your convenience. We are not your Barbie dolls that you can play with and place in box until next time you decide it playtime. We really don’t work that way.
Kids are funny critters, you know, they grow and learn and explore and forgive just about everything. They are so full of energy and excitement and wonderment. These boys are teaching me daily the true meaning of life. It is truly the simple things that bless us most. Planting a flower bulb, picking a squash from the garden or just looking at the stars after dark Hugs and kisses and I love you’s. I would never trade these things for your life. You will never know the things that you have missed out on. Hide and go seek, freeze tag, snuggling up and watching cartoons, chasing butterflies, playing catch, swimming in the little pool with 2 giggly little guys crowding you. . These things I do with the boys. When they ask “where is momma?” and I can not honestly tell them so I tell them I do not know. They ask if I am momma. I tell them honey “I’m sorry but you did not grow in my belly, you grew in my heart.”
I have to choke tears away when I think of the times in their lives you are missing and will never get back. How can any mother choose to be away from their children? How can you not want to spend time with them? They are amazing, each has a uniqueness. They are so special to me. My heart aches when I think about the hell you have put me through, the lies you have told me, the grieve that you have caused. And you seem to not even care. Like oh well.
I wonder where I went wrong in raising you, but then I can stand up before God and say that I did the best I knew how. Mistakes were made and learned from. I never walked out on you and went off and did my own thing. I never once put my wants in front of you r needs.
It is so sad to me the number of people these days raising kids of others who are so self centered. Drop off kids or dumped off kids. My biggest fear is that I do not do enough for them and they do not thrive and feel the love I have for them. My love for them is not like a mommas love, but it is heartfelt and honest. I pray that is enough to guide them past the temptations that pulled you in.

[Admin]

Very touching Lef....but inaccurate.....this situation is not your going wrong, not your making mistakes in raising her, (curiously I do not remember if she has any siblings, but if so) since these are the only ones you have been graced with to care for.

Despite even the best upbringings and environments, adult children who are legally able to make the choices in their life, (but usually have not really become mature to properly do so) seem to have inherited from society's media representation, of what life "should" be like, brought upon them, a sense of selfishness and entitlement which is sorely misrepresented, and easily adopted by many young teen growing to this pseudo maturity.

They holding on to both, this sense of entitlement, as well as their being the center of their universes, and allow nothing to have a higher priority than what best suits THEM.

So much so that not even giving birth, is allowed to infringe upon their rights of their self, being the center of their world.
Then when life, in it's propensity to deal us many levels of obstacles, from which overcoming allows for growth of mind and spirit, THEY instead become disillusioned by the world they are presented with, as compared to the one that has been represented TO them, through the means they have learned what was going to be there in their future and most of it included only THEM, and what they NEED, to be socially accepted.

This is then defined as a requirement, in order to fit in with their peers, for which, those who HAVE been unexpectedly graced with a child, also changed and adapted their priorities to not only include the little bundles of joy, that should be tugging at their heart strings for their vulnerabilities, and being totally dependent, as well as the reality of the facts they are also living, eating, crying, laughing, learning, pooping machines.

Yet none of those things detracts from the fullness added to their hearts by their presence, and the true miracle they have been blessed with, causing them to realize there is nothing more important to them, then these little bundles of joy.

However those who are unable to adapt or adjust to this fact that they now need to give up being the first priority, and their carefree lifestyle, it fosters a sense of being betrayed by how the world, and thier futures were presented to them to likely be.

This disillusionment is then sought to be pushed off and rejected by their minds and their losing their place for no longer coming first, are then being induced with the mis-perceptions influenced by the drugs, offered from those who they view as still care free and number one, to join them, and find that this has helped them to deal with the disillusionment from what their lives were outlined to be as they grew in them, and somehow seem to "MISS" this aspect of shifting priorities, because they lose their ability to FEEL, how much fuller their hearts become with love for this child, and do not feel the vacuous space left by their absence, since they seem to never have filled any space to begin with, again, because their inability to cope with reality, has led them to deal with that through mind altering substances, that give false senses of happiness and well being, by the manner in which those substances stimulate the pleasure center, of the brain, all the while causing them to miss out on the impact the resulting hormones would normally have had, called oxytocin, (also causes the start of lactation) that actually creates the mother/child, as well as spousal bonds, that become so hard to break and causes most mothers to be able to do extraordinary things in their instinctual need to preserve their little package by all means possible, despite some being deemed as impossible.
All because the emotional disconcert created by the bursting of the bubbles of a life, long having been dreamed about, creates such a degree of rejection of all things that are not conducive to this illusion placed with in their minds, through the responses to media's representation of life as they believe it should be at this point, but if they are not the main event, or they do not live up to the unrealistic representation of what a modern woman's size and figure should be, and how their faces should be made to look like, so the appropriate products can be sold, despite their never really producing the desired effects, they become disillusioned and feel betrayed and feel as if they do not belong become isolationist, recede with in them selves, and find the lure of getting that sense restored by those who recognize this in them and their needs, and take advantage of their impressionable, and pliable minds, and weaknesses, to try an alternative means, of regaining that sense of being that they dreamed of for so long.

Once being introduced to the drugs that make reality shift, in to one they can cope with, and even may wish to embrace, find that when it wears off, reality comes slamming down upon them again, even harder then before, causing them to seek the relief from reality more and more, to the point where nothing they perceive is accurate, or real, and their ability to be responsive to those hormones, meant to bring about the shift of those others, partners, and offspring, being unbearable to be away from, to becoming an intrusion upon their lives.

They will only take away this false sense of security, being induced by the substances that have altered their way of seeing things, where "they" still are the ones who deserve to be the center of their world, and allow nothing to interfere with this concept, and loss of privilege, and will constantly be in conflict, through their fighting to have their children in their care, but when met with resistance, use substances to make the bad feelings go away, only to come crashing back down again.

Then they become angry, and sometimes, even hateful, of those, who care for nothing more than for their well being, and the well being of their children.
This starts a vicious cycle to go around and around, since nothing that is required of them by any court ruling, in favor of removing their children from their care and awarding custody to their own parents.

Which then allows those who spoon feed them the drugs, keeping them dependent on them, constantly whispering in their minds, how it is their parents and the courts that are betraying her or them, rather than the truth being, it is in fact "they" who have betrayed their children, and those who raised them to the best of their ability, who not only sacrificed so many things TO raise them, and are now sacrificing so much more, by going through this again.

Because this time it is NOT with others their age, also being new mothers, and having so much in common, but instead, sacrificing their leisure years of rewards, for having been such dedicated parents at raising their children, that they now alienate all their current friends, with whom they no longer have so much in common with, because now they are mothers and fathers again, and not grandparents, as their friends are.

They also, as well, no longer having the freedoms to join them in their invites to social gatherings, or going on those cruises, and trips to Europe, long dreamed about, that often times, actually got them through those rough years, knowing there was a "life" at the end of the tunnel, where they can, once again, resume being their own first priority. They can look forward to this, because their parental duties have been dedicatedly, fulfilled, and they have earned this privilege, as opposed to those selfish children, who feel this to be a life long privilege, that they are being cheated of and feel they need "NOT" do anything to earn it, but are entitled to it, just for their existing in the first place.

So parents, you may have made some mistakes, everyone does, you may not have done everything you have seen others do for their children, but you did do everything you could, as well as whatever it took or was needed of you, and if you didn't, it still does not mean this is the reason you are in your current situation, or that your children are treating you in such ways, from your being too over bearing out of care, or too lax for not wishing to stifle their growth, and allow their creative, self thinking, unique selves to flourish and grow in to their own, with confidence in them selves, and their worth by others, but you see ( and I won't go in to the whole nature vs nurture argument) but both genetics, and environment impact how a person turns out and who they become, and it is the god given "free will" that allows them to decide which influences will they allow to mold them in to whom it is they grow up to be, just as a kid from the ghettos can grow up to become a doctor and a well to do family's child be a street whore junkie despite how many hotels they own (sorry couldn't resist that).

Stop looking for where you went wrong, since you likely didn't, and just concentrate on what needs to be done to fix it now!

Admin!

[OHGrandma]

I understand the sentiment expressed. It reminds me of a quote(can't remember the author) "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Hopefully we all live and learn, and keep on living and learning.

[coppertime]

I have done a lot of research on the "nature/nurture" controversy and am a firm believer that the nature of a child is determined at birth and only a certain amount of nurturing can change the inherent nature. I am a twin, with a fraternal sister who was born on the same day as I was. We like to call ourselves "wombmates". We are as different as the color of our eyes - mine are blue and hers are hazel. She was always a carefree spirit who loves the night and shuns the early morning. I have always been a worrier who likes the morning and am useless at night. We have always been, and still are, the best of friends but have gone down totally seperate roads. No two people could have been raised in a closer to identical situation. We slept together, dressed alike and were in the same class in school until seventh grade. My parents even gave us the same birthday presents until we were in our 50's. I became a secretary and a banker and she was a waitress, bartender and hairdresser. We could always help each other out because she has mechanical ability and computer brilliance and I do not. Some of the things that our parents taught us were embraced by her and some by me but in the end we went our own ways and did our own things. We have both been married for many years but always laugh at the fact that I would have to "kill" her husband if I was married to him and she feels the same about mine. We can only give our children the best that we can and neither take the glory for their successes nor the blame for their failures.

[Grandma_Bananarama]

I'm so sorry lef0, that the pain left in your heart is so raw. I consider myself blessed that it was my step daughter who neglected, then abandoned her children. I can clarify the distinction and it helps me to know I have no biological connection to a person who could do what she has done to her children. There are moments when I feel responsible for her lack of compassion and total selfishness, just because I raised her from age five to adulthood. I am able to detach my heart from her so I don't have to carry the double pain of raising her children and loving her at the same time.

You spoke from the heart where we have all looked at our situation from. Thanks for sharing your heartache and joy in your grandsons.

[Kevin]

When a person is engulfed with self destructive behavior we can only hold open doors, they have to walk through them.

The self destructive behavior can be drugs, alcohol, gambling, bad relationships. These are all compulsions. The drunkard / junkie does not use to hide from the world, they use to hide from themselves. The compulsive gambler does not gamble to win, they gamble to lose, self punishment. The bad relationships is not searching for a soul mate or trying to help change the other, it is self punishment.

An 'intervention' or other efforts to push these people into Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, drug treatment programs or counseling seldom is successful. Those who love these people and have been harmed by their selfish acts must wait for these people to do something else, a change. The change is for them to become really, really selfish.

Only when the person in need becomes very selfish to the point they want to change because they want to be better for themselves does it make a permanent change. We all want to hear that such people change their lives for their children or other loved ones, that seldom works. We are the people they have already selfishly abandoned. We must really wait and hold the door open for when the become so selfish that they want to be better solely for themselves. It is when they want things to be better for themselves that they can make the changes in themselves rather than temporary changes in behavior. Once they permanently make positive changes in themselves then they have something to give to others and they can be the good people we want them to be.

The afflicted person must 'hit bottom' which is an emotional low that is unique to each person. It is when they feel that this is a bad as they ever want things , which is to say themselves, to be that they are willing to make the changes in themselves. There is little we can do to show these people that they have hit bottom, only they can determine what the bottom is for them.

We can wait and keep the door for positive change open for them. What we should never do is support their self destructive behavior. If they are drug and alcohol abusers and you buy them food, pay their rent or other bills them we are freeing up their money to be spent on drugs and alcohol, we are in effect buying the poison that is destroying them. We cannot do this, we cannot indirectly provide the support they need for their self destructive behavior.

The abusive relationship is very difficult to deal with. We provide a safe haven they come to but then they keep going back. Perhaps keeping information on area shelters would be best. They can stay here for the moment but they have to go to a shelter because while they tolerate getting beaten up the abuser may come to our home and attack us. This would not be a problem but that they keep going back to the abuser so the abuser has learned their violence will be tolerated and produces an effect that they want. So you are still a safe haven but the problem is that they come more for something emotional more than physical safety. Perhaps I can find something by a professional on this subject.

[Grandma_Bananarama]

I agree with what you had to say Kevin, but there are some people who have no conscience or truly believe they are being persecuted by their parents, the court system and DCF. They just don't process situations and think like others. I believe it is a self centeredness beyond what we attribute to normal behavior. While they can pass a personality test to the satisfaction of the mental health community, they are still damaged in their dealings with relationships to even their own children. The only thing we can do is try to protect the children from them and hope that with love and guidance they won't grow up like their parents.