DEALING WITH GRIEF

[Grandma_Bananarama]

The change that occurs in our lives when we get our grandchildren is a rocky road. It was pointed out to me that what we go through are the five stages of grief. Kubler-Ross describes grief in an order in which we deal with the loss of our freedom and the new responsibilites we thought we had already fulfilled our obligations to. These are the same stages that people go through when dealing with the death of a loved one.

DENIAL: When I got the kids I was certain their mother would do her case plan and the kids would be back with her in six months. Before I had the kids, I knew she would lose them at some point, but the reality of having them living with me was too overwhelming to contemplate the totality of the situation. I refused to believe she wouldn't want her children enough not to do what was needed to get them back. This is a very painful step in the process. It hurt too much to think about the long term. Three months into my having the kids, my sister came down for Christmas. She held my hand and led me to acceptance of my situation. That is when the next stage hit me with devastating clarity.

ANGER: I don't know about the rest of you, but I got good and mad. I was angry at my step daughter, my ex for every having met him, myself for not being selfish, and God for putting this huge responsibility on my shoulders. I am ashamed to say that the anger spilled onto the children as well. Where had my patience gone? Were my kids this needy all the time? I got angry about my diminishing finances and the struggle to pay my bills each month. I was angry with myself for being angry all the time. It was the snake eating it's tail; neverending.

BARGAINING: Sometime into all that anger I started bargaining with God, or the fates. The, "if I do this for six months and their mother gets them back, I'll make sure I'm a fixture in their lives". If their mother gets the kids back, I'll take them every weekend so she can have that time for herself. Surely, she could manage that. I bargained just to get through each day. When that didn't work, because we all know bargaining with life never works, I slid headlong into the next step of grief.

DEPRESSION: And boy did I get a big dose of that. I thought I had cried myself out in the beginning, but that was nothing compared to what I was feeling at about the time I got permanent custody of the kids. Once again my sister held my hand long distance and helped me muddle through to the doctor for some help. I have suffered from clinical depression most of my life; even as a child. Gotta love heredity. Even being on meds it was difficult to function. And it lasted so long. My salvation was school, and the fact the state made sure the kids were either in school or at daycare during the day. We managed. I was depressed because I couldn't find a job. When I did, I was called out for whatever reason kids are needed to be picked up from school; behavior issues, sickness and the dreaded buggies in the hair that plague Florida. Slowly the fog lifted. I realized this was how my life was going to be till the youngest was out of highschool. I could do 15 years. If I could be married to their grandfather for 20 I could do this. I had managed to make it through to the end.

ACCEPTANCE: And here we are today. I can honestly say I am a happy woman. I have four beautiful. charming, loving kids who think I am the best person in the world. I get more love in one day than most people get in a week. Who can argue with that? I still struggle financially, but somehow we always make it through to the next month. And I got the greatest blessing of all: I get to be a stay at home mom. When my kids were growing up I worked 60 hour weeks. It was a great regret of mine that I wasn't there to see my children through their successes.

The interesting thing about grief is it takes everyone their own time to go through the process. They overlap and hit you when you least expect it. In this case, the end really does justify the means. I hope this helps someone out there who is feeling guilty because they don't feel themselves. It's okay; you are just dealing with the grief of the loss of your life. Remember, the new one isn't so bad afterall.

[makesmesmile]

I can completely relate to your posting and its nice to know that I am not alone. Your words of wisdom are extremely helpful.
Thanks :)

[Grandma_Bananarama]

Thank you MMS. What I hope is those who have recently gotten custody can see themselves in the process. I wish I had known this at the time, then I wouldn't have felt so lost and alone. What we are doing is one of the hardest, life changing events a person can go through. I pray that all of you can find some comfort in this thread.

[makesmesmile]

Once again I agree...It is the hardest/life changing event ever. I had no idea the degree my life would change, it wouldnt have mattered anyway. Once I started accepting "it is what it is" my life became full. Full of love, laughter, patience, new experiences, and seeing the world all over again. Just like this weekend..my gs and I built a snowman..we had a blast! Seeing the excitement in his little eyes was priceless. Then this morning the excitement grew once more as we left the house and there stood our snowman. He is a joy and always makes me smile! :D

[Grandma_Bananarama]

I am with you on so many points. Watching the world through the eyes of a child, with all the knowledge of life I have acquired over a half century, has been such a blessing. I have laughed more then I thought I ever would at first. My kids are old enough now and we played Sorry yesterday. While it was fun, I also got to teach something valuable: good sportsmanship. Everyday is a learning experience for all of us. God really did know what was best for me when he entrusted me with these little lives.

If you are reading this and it seems that you will never make it to this stage; believe me when I say it will happen. It takes time and if you recognize where you are and how far you have come to believe peace will come to your life too.

[trishgreg67]

Wow I am in tears reading this and my hats off, I know that we are all in the same boat and I know for me when my GS came to live with me it was more of a relief than anything because his mother is mental and I worried about his future. I can be angry at his mother, she never calls him and I was told that she told him to get grandma to call her when he wants to talk to her, guess what? he never ask for her. I know that he is growing everyday and tomorrow will be better than today. God has a plan and he needed us in these kids lives to give them a fighting chance in this big mean ugly world that we all live in. God Bless everyone, we are raising the future again.

[Grandma_Bananarama]

I am so happy what I wrote touched you. We spend so much time taking care of our gkids, I sometimes think we forget that it is okay for us to feel emotions that may seem negative and contrary to our nature. The anger you feel for your gson's mother is so disturbingly typical. I believe our anger is righteous. We don't want to be angry at the kids because they don't deserve it; it isn't their fault their parents have failed them so miserably and left us to pick up the pieces.

It sounds like you, MMS and I have made the journey to acceptance. Kudos to us all. But where are the rest of the members at in the stages of grief? Please share your walk with the rest of us. Like I said before, each of our journeys through grief are different. Tell us what has helped you get past one stage to the next.

[makesmesmile]

Even though I have accepted my new life, I still become angry with the parents, espically the father(my son). When I confront him with the lack of interest he shows in his son, his reply to me is "well Im busy and you know I have a life". I just want to choke him! :foiled:
I think coming to grips with the type of man my son turned out to be has been the hardest part of gaining guardianship of gs.
I never thought I would/could be ashamed of my son but I can truly say "I am"...I cant believe he has grown to be the man he is: selfish, uncaring, self centered, a liar....the list can go on and on. We dont have much of a realtionship anymore for the simple reason I dont buy into his excusses and tell him the facts.
My husband often will remind me that my son is the one who is missing out...our gs will grow to be a good and productive man without the love or interference of his bio parents. And as time passes...I agree

[Grandma_Bananarama]

I blamed myself for my stepdaughter's shortcomings for a long time. After all, wasn't she raised by me? Where did I fail short in raising her? I taught her the same basic concepts of life and the others turned out to be wonderful, productive, nurturing to their children, adults. My other kids let me off the hook and told me what a loving, disciplined mother I had been to them, even my other steps agree. I have a sister who has a masters in special education who helped me understand that by the time I got custody of LM when she was five, all the insecurities and lack of empathy were set in her personality. I got off easy knowing she is my STEP daughter.

I cannot imagine what you are feeling knowing that your son has something missing in his makeup. All the second guessing about the shoulda/would do differently must prey on your mind. In the end, our kids make their own decisions and it is a matter of character. I have known many people who have had tough childhoods who have grown up to be fantasic adults.

Your husband is right in that these parents have no clue what they are missing. When they have finally matured/grown up and want to be a part of these kids' lives they will find the indifference they placed on the child they chose to ignore when they were small.

Thank you for sharing that personal hurt MMS. Don't own your son's failure. By taking care of his child you have shown that he didn't get this lack of responsibility from you or your husband. You are entitled to your anger.

Any one else care to share where you are in this process?

[coppertime]

I guess I started my grieving process the day my 17 year old son told us his 15 year old girlfriend was pregnant. He was our youngest child and the only one still at home. He was a senior in high school and had never given us a moments trouble even through my taking care of my ailing parents for five years. My mother had just died and I was finally working at my dream job - a travel agent. We went on a Christmas cruise, which was a gift from my employer, and he told us the night we came home. I can now say that that was the first time in my life I truly lost it. I had never quit a job by just not showing up for work but that's how I quit this one. I called my boss a few days later and apologized. He asked me to take some time and reconsider but I knew my life as I knew it was over. The girl's parents were young potheads with younger children at home. They were only in their early 30's and thought the whole thing was a hoot. I immediately saw myself taking care of another baby after taking care of someone constantly since I was 21 years old. I asked God "when am I going to be able to live for me?" My husband was totally disgusted with me because all I could do was walk from room to room and look out the window. I realized later that women accept the fact that a baby is coming when they first hear about it and men don't react until the baby is actually here. That's when my husband lost it. By the time the baby came I had gone through most of the processes and was able to enjoy a new baby but he was filled with angst. We had to hold each other up through it all. Our son was a doting father immediately and between the three of us we were able to manage it. The baby's mother only took an interest when one of her friends was around and she could show him off. I would try not to interfere but they were living with us (her parents moved away when she was six months pregnant and didn't even let her know they were going) and when he would go all day without a diaper change while we were working I just had to step in and give him a bath. By this time I guess I had accepted that he would more-or-less be our responsiblity and when our son died we knew for sure that it would be up to us to raise our grandson. Now we are doing it for our grandson but also for our son. I still get angry and depressed sometimes because I would love to be able to just pack up and go whenever I want but I tell myself that maybe someone knows me better than I do and believes that I am at my best when taking care of someone. I also take care of my 89 year old aunt who never had children and lives a few miles away. She is quite independant but I do all of her banking, doctor visits and such. I call her every day to make sure that she is OK but she still drives and I just got her a cell phone to take along in the car. Teaching her how to use it has been an ordeal. LOL Sometimes I feel like gumby with my arms stretched in all directions.