Hello from Chez Bananarama

[Grandma_Bananarama]

I am so happy to be here! Finally, a place where us poor beleagured second timers can come for support, to vent and share our experiences, and hopefully help other grandparents in the same situation.

I have had permanent custody of four of my 15 grandchilden for two and a half years. The littlest is now 3 1/2, the oldest 8. Life is more stable now, but still is a rollercoaster ride of fun, tears, messes, and hugs.

I started this forum because what we do is a lonely job. Some of the friends we had before the children came have drifted away. Some have lost spouses from the stress. Then there is the personal heartache of feeling like a failure that your child could possibly behave in such a way as to leave their children with you. We need to share with each other the things that make life better for our grandchildren and ourselves. We may not be able to help each other with the physical aspects of raising a second generation, but we can be there emotionally and in spirit.

So please, come and share your experiences with the rest of us. You have found a safe haven and support. Enjoy our community.

Grandma Bananarama

[mckeener]

:P

raising a second generation is the only job that you can not really get fired from.

I have custody of a two year old and a three year old. I have had them for about 15 months so I have very small absolutly amazing little beings.

Mine came as a complete supprise because I had never met the childrens mother and had only seen a picture of the oldest, the boy when he was about six months old.

[Grandma_Bananarama]

Welcome to our little forum, mckeener. I thought I was busy with 4 kids. Two that close together must have you filling a landfill all by yourself just in diapers! I can't wait to hear what life in your house is like.

[mikim]

Well ladies -- is there room for an old man here? Looks like a new site ... and certainly geared toward the ladies -- ALL THIS PINK ! ;-) I'm going to give a little background . I had custody of my kids when I met my now wife of 16 years who had her 2 girls. We combined our families and finished raising them to adulthood and 3 of 4 turned out fine except the youngest - who never accepted me from day 1 (and she was only 7 at the time). As hard as I tried she would never let me get close to her. After she married a bum with no job (then, now, or ever) we ended up supporting her and the grandson. We tried some tough love that backfired on us and landed squarely on that little boy of 4. Now (a year later) we are trying to rectify that error and are filing for permanent custody to give him a stabile home. I certainly hope we have the stamina to do this again for the next 13 - 15 years. I'll be retiring in 3 years so should have more time available. It has definitely changed our plans for retirement however. So -- what is the best tactic? Do we revert back 15 -20 years, get back into PTA and change ourselves back into parents of a 5 yr old and generate our socializing accordingly? OR do we continue with the social groupings we have - with folks our own age - and sorta "raise him on the side"? I gotta think that keeping with our own social group will be necessary for our sanity. BUT how do you balance it out?

[Grandma_Bananarama]

Welcome to our humble forum Mikim. I'm glad you found us. You're right, we are new. I have had four of my little darlins for 2.5 years now. One should be a snap for you and your wife.

I think every situation is different. I have found that my friends have rallied to my aid. Getting involved in school or extra activities is up to you. I'm hoping to someday. Everyone's journey is different, and you are right about it being a whole new ballgame raising this generation. In some ways it's easier. Just consider the first generation the dry run for your grandson.

I'm sorry your step-daughter has made such poor choices and left you with no alternative than to take care of the boy yourselves. I feel your pain, anger, resentment for taking your retirement and setting it back another 15 years. I can share a secret. When you put him to bed, and he gives you a kiss and tells you how much he loves being with you, it makes it all worthwhile. What you and your wife are about to do is a great and noble thing. Being selfless has its benefits.

Now onto the subject of my pink. This is my first foray into web design. I'm open to any suggestions you give. Tell me what colors you think will help butch it up some and I'll play around till we find a nice compromise. hehehe.

Again, welcome Mikim. We look forward to your contributions. Be well, and let us know how the custody issue is coming along.

[Admin]

Well ladies -- is there room for an old man here? Looks like a new site ... and certainly geared toward the ladies -- ALL THIS PINK ! ;-) I'm going to give a little background . I had custody of my kids when I met my now wife of 16 years who had her 2 girls. We combined our families and finished raising them to adulthood and 3 of 4 turned out fine except the youngest - who never accepted me from day 1 (and she was only 7 at the time). As hard as I tried she would never let me get close to her. After she married a bum with no job (then, now, or ever) we ended up supporting her and the grandson. We tried some tough love that backfired on us and landed squarely on that little boy of 4. Now (a year later) we are trying to rectify that error and are filing for permanent custody to give him a stabile home. I certainly hope we have the stamina to do this again for the next 13 - 15 years. I'll be retiring in 3 years so should have more time available. It has definitely changed our plans for retirement however. So -- what is the best tactic? Do we revert back 15 -20 years, get back into PTA and change ourselves back into parents of a 5 yr old and generate our socializing accordingly? OR do we continue with the social groupings we have - with folks our own age - and sorta "raise him on the side"? I gotta think that keeping with our own social group will be necessary for our sanity. BUT how do you balance it out?


Hi mikim, welcome to custodial grandparents. I hope you find the balance you are looking for, I wouldn't give up on the life you have built and the direction you are going, but by the same token raising the grand kid on the side hardly sounds suitable for the kid, his needs should come first, but not to the point where you and your wife lose all contact with those you socialize with, and added socialization with the school, pta, and other parents, could be worked in without compromising your current social calendar, and as you mentioned it will only be difficult for a few years till you retire, so keep your eye on that light at the end of the tunnel and find new milestones to always have a new light to keep your eye on until he is on his own and you are out of the tunnel, remember each generation seems to have a ten year advantage over the previous, so even if your dad could never have done what you are undertaking, it doesn't mean you and your wife can't do this and keep your sanity, and a little social life as well!

Good luck, and feel free to post your experiences, everyone's contributions help someone!

Admin!